Puzzle

H is for Heartbreak

2012-03-01T23:04:00.000-05:00

I know I shouldn't like the guy and at first I finally was getting over him but when I saw him and then I saw him at first, that's when I liked him again. But after seeing him with another girl and then him glancing at me with a blank face as if he didn't know what to do or say and it just breaks my heart. So, I'm over him, I guess, well I have no choice as of now. He's basically moved on and I was just his toy or something like that...I mean I'm pretty, it took me a while to say that, but I am and well, I'm never treated as such, I always thought that when you're pretty you get special attention or treatment but I see you get the same treatment as a person who is ugly or just plain disturbing to look at. Well, that's all I wanted to say.I bought a glitter eyeliner and mascara and that's all that really happened. Along with a few other things that I don't want to talk about because I'm exhausted.

Puzzle: Embarssement

2012-02-09T01:35:00.000-05:00

Over the years I've dealt with my share of embarrassment, from walking out of my English class on Monday to running out of my Science class in fright. I've dealt with my share of blunders and fails. Well being a teen generally has it's ups and down, but what do you do when your embarrassment leads to bullying and later shame and guilt from you (not the other party).

Today, my friends and I along with my gym friend...I forgot her name (that's sad), so were discussing something, I think maybe it was preppy people and so this girl walks up who seems innocent enough, I thought she was honestly on the yearbook committee, well she asks to take my friends' and I picture. Well, one of my friends declines and I thought maybe it was because she had a really acme and didn't want the pictures emphasizes it, but anyway, turns out she was not in the yearbook club, she just wanted to take our pictures to have a laugh with her friends. All the while jeering and scrutinizing us as we took the picture. In the last picture, I don't think none of us smiled.

Guilt, because I saw a boy, who they were picking on or at least trying to make a joke out of and I wanted to pull him over to my table but my friends said they didn't want to start anything so I refrained by doing so, but I still felt very guilty, he looked like a loner and someone who needed have many friends and they were basically laughing in his face. Not to mention, at my lunch table, I, myself am a guest, and today I bought my gym friend over, if I bought another friend I felt like friends might have explored in rage (my gym friend was talking up a storm, but I thought it was OK, it was good having someone else there to do some of the talking).
But anyway, next time I won't do that, and I don't care what they think or who I bring to the table.

More embarrassment, well some guy from my Spanish class and I approach the door waves me in and I'm just thinking like, "Why are you waving at me? Do I know you?" Which I do, we had some classes in middle school together (I think) but my group of girl friends definitely did hang out with him. I never thought him to be funny or charming as the others but childish and arrogant, needless to say he's still the same. Anyway, to clear up any confusion, because I definitely do not want to have feelings for this guy, I asked him why did he do that, and he said to get me into class because they were doing something fun, and I retorted that the assignment wasn't fun and he just brushed it off-arrogance and then stupidly asked if he was a loner because he was alone, but said no. I know people and when they're alone like he was, they generally all. Anyway, I hate guys like that. I mean like arrogant guys to an extent, and not even arrogance, more like confidence, and definitely did not show that.

Puzzle: Happiness

2012-02-07T16:14:00.000-05:00

Some things I'm happy for is:
- My family (rarely)
- My vast knowledge of things I love (ha!)
- Knowing when to be kind and when to be mean.
- Having friends (sometimes)
- My new daith ear piercing.

Yup, you heard right, I got my daith pierced. Many of friends asked if it hurt, but it really didn't. People on the internet exaggerate too much. To me if feels as though, someone digging their nails into your skin for 40 seconds and then that's it.
All together I think I have a high pain tolerance as for crying tolerance not really, I'm very emotional, but only when I have to be. Like today, I was happy that I got off. Some stupid ass arrogant motherfucker, comes into the classroom preaching about shit he's done in his life and tells me to put my Chinese away, I mean my teacher didn't have a problem with it because if he did he-himself, my teacher that I actually have respect for, would have told me to put it away and I would have said, "OK." and that would be the end of it and he also would have told me kindly or at least in a manner that I would approve of. Because I personally will not put up with people disrespectful to me or who are just plain assholes and that have to make side-comments.
Anyway, I got up and left the class. I won't be doing that again, but still I just want to let him know, that if he keeps talking to people like that, I'm going to keep doing the same shit over and over again, and that's leaving. My mom always said if you don't like where you are, then leave. So I did, and I'm happy I did.

Puzzle: Friendship

2012-01-23T16:15:00.000-05:00

Ever since I can remember I've always had a friend. Where they were my best friend, friend or an aquitance that I called my friend. I always had someone I could hang out with or just talk to.From friends that I were obsessed with to friend that were obsessed with me to friends that hated me I experienced each and every friend known to man, and so this friend, that I recently cut off was something different and something I do not wish to go through again. Some if you read my previous blog, Light, would know her as the "rat" or some might know her by her first name, Claudia, but for now let's just continue calling her "rat". Why rat you might ask? She looks like something between a rat and a weak, feeble girl hybrid, and it was in that appearance that I met the devil.In the world of dark and light, everyone and anyone is bound to meet someone of dark that an acomplish or friend of the devil, but this one...was the devil it's self or at a minion.We on thinking we were the best friends but me always getting bored of the same old thing, kind of ignored her time, and I know that sounds horrible but you have to meet this girl! But absence makes the heart grow fonder... shoot, I'm not the only one who did this, her own family does this to her annoying ass, but anyway, so last year we got into this big fight were it became physical and now that I recall the problem it was pretty stupid to fight, but the bitch had my purse and refused to give it up, so I fought her. It was my shit anyway, but as I digress, so this year I felt bad, she claimed that she had little to no friends and that no liked her and that she almost commited sucide so I felt bad for the thing. So I became her friend and once again that blew up into a fight because I wasn't like her "I don't own the world or you shit" attitude even though I was trying to be her friend, shoot, I already have friends and I'm pretty comfortable with the ones I have, I technically don't need anymore but I hate seeing someone lonely and friendless so I befriend her...once again this year (now) and I regret it. She's the same- not the same like how I first met her, she actually was sane that time, but now she's just freaking crazy and she acknowledges it! How is she crazy? The whole act of trying to commit sucide, I feel that if anyone does that, they're just not right in the head- and I mean I'm sure people have thought it but actually "trying"...that's too much, two, the bitch has "feelings" for her girl cousin- making her a lesbin, she said her cousin started it, but no one can make you "go gay" and three she's always talking about fighting people- it's annoying and she's really small and scrany, so picture your 8 year old brother/sister/nephew/niece trying to fight a 15-18 year old, yeah not good. And yeah everyone has issues, mine is I get angry often but still, she just got too many problems and problems that I feel like are becoming mine because I'm friends with her and she tells me this shit often. So, anyway, today I just told her I can't be her friend, this time politely, the first I called her a bitch (which she is) and that was the end of that friendship and the second time I pointed out that she need to be put in the physc ward but this time I just told her that nicely that I don't want to be her friend after confirming whether or not she was spread hopeless rumors that my brother (who has many girls who like him, I guess that means he's attractive...:-/)kissed her ugly ass. Which of course was not true but I just wanted to see if she was going to deny the rumors, which she did but she's crazy as hell, I'm pretty sure she did anyway.And so she acted as if she understood but she kept texting me, I didn't respond because you said, "OK." but still you're texting me. What a dumb bitch.

Puzzle: Depression

2012-01-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

Depression is a really serious word and when I hear it I automatically think of death or a person picking up a shiny steel blade and putting it up their wrist getting ready to draw blood. Depression.Today, I felt all of those things, but I didn't do them. I felt depression because today is my...birthday.What's so special about it? Nothing, and that how my day when. My immediate family did absolutely nothing for me and the other half of my family doesn't wish me a happy birthday or nothing, and then my mother got mad at me over stupid shit...and yes I can say that now, I'm 18, and what's so great about being 18 anyway. So, I can go into clubs and get my license so what?Overall, today turned just like all my other birthdays, crappy as hell and less than what everyone else gets.And not fair that I had to call my brother so that he could wish me a happy birthday before it was over, it's times like that that I wish I had my FB account back.

Puzzle: Anguish

2012-01-06T23:22:00.000-05:00

For now on, I'm going to be creative and start my entries with: 'Puzzle':, instead of my usual entry titles.
Today's puzzle piece that can be added to my heart is: Anguish.
I feel anguish or just plain sadness because I called my ex-that would be stupid ass- you already know and so he nor his family picks up, so this tells me he's avoiding me and at first I was like, not again and what the fluk but now I'm just like, whatever, we both heard each other out and I told him how I feel and when I think about it, I feel good. Good things, are happening to me, just because I told him that, like that was the cork that was backing me up or something, I met one of my old friends and we're some-what talking again (I hope we can be friends again, we had a nasty breakup in 6th grade), I found my iPod that's been lost for about a few months, and I finally told him how I felt, oh and tomorrow I believe my mother and I are going shopping for some school clothes, I'm going to be starting a new school, again and now that I think about it, I'm super worried and SCARED!
Wish me luck and all~!

Thanks for nothing

2012-01-02T21:12:00.000-05:00

Whenever I pray before something, it never goes as I plan. I'm expecting good results but instead I get bad, horrible results that I didn't want at all.
So, I prayed a little before viewing my SAT scores and I got 430,330 and 480, basically a 1240. The worst scores in the history SAT tests, shoot even dumb ass got a higher score than me. Ugh, I could kick my own ass, I'm so mad! I'm not even going to think about applying to Cornell with these horrible ass scores. I plan on taking it again and hopefully this time I do well.

Death by Happiness

2012-01-01T23:47:00.000-05:00

You know I've never been this cheery before. I mean there is nothing to be cheery about. My great-uncle died and my really happy uncle (well he was always smiling) died last Wednesday I have nothing to be happy about, but I just feel happy, or more like light-hearted. I know it's wrong to feel this way or even write this because it's disrespectful. It's basically saying, I do not care that they died and that I'm crapping all over their deaths. Even though I'm not, it's just how I feel.

Out of it

2012-01-01T23:44:00.000-05:00

I know everyone in the computer world is either obessed with Japanese culture or Korean culture, and I use to be the same way. At first I was really into Japanese culture, the anime, the music, the boys and the fashion but I that soon became extinct when I found out Korean culture (because of my Korean classes). Once again I fell in love the same things minus the anime. Korea isn't known for it's anime but fashion and food-unlike Japan. And well, I'm getting tired of the stuff.
I usually check Arama and Allkpop for my Jpop and Kpop news but after being on those sites (this does apply to Arama so much, but towards Allkpop) the fans or readers are just atrocious! They're comments are horrible, if you don't agree with someone or agree with what people are saying as a whole, you'll get shot down really quickly, and of course it's the same on every web-based entertainment media or site but still I just thought this would be a little different. Hell, even Arama can keep it together sometimes and well, I just think I'm done with Korean media. I still love the language and culture but media-wise. I'll probably just stick with the groups I know and like, like DBSK (when they were whole), CSJH (I never really like them, but I do have respect for them), Super Junior, SNSD, Shinhwa, After School and Secret. Call me an oldie, but those new groups have no talent and they're all starting to sound the same, or trying to copy a style similar to those of a successful group. I'm not going to mention Shinee because I fell out love with them a long time ago, and why? I mean a person who was with them from debut to now, I mean shouldn't they still like or love a group and take pride in that? No, first it doesn't matter when you got into the fandom and shouldn't but people in the fandom rave that that's what makes you a fan and indicates how much you know or like the group and second, I stop loving them not for their music (I still listen from time to time) but because the random-the international fans are just plan spite and mean. They rave on and on about their "oppa" and how much they "adore" them other stupid crap about dying if they were around and stuff and it's just plain horrible and makes me question both their sanity and mine, and I don't like questioning my sanity.
To make a long story short, I'm over Korean pop.

In other news, I sent off two applications to two top-notch colleges, I hope I get it! Please, pray for me.

Mantra II

2011-12-13T23:29:00.004-05:00

"The more open my mine is, the more evil I see."- Sookie Stackhouse (Scratches, ep.3)

Some other mottos and quotes I love: ♥
"Are you going to leave or do I have to throw you out a window, that is closed." - Bill (Shake & Fingerpop, ep.4)

"There's no 'us' if this is your scene."- Tara (Scratches, ep.3)

"You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?"- Stewie (Whistle while your wife works, ep.5)

Well, there it is...

2011-12-13T16:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I've come to the conclusion that I might actually have to go that DAMN school.
I mean, I'll just do what I did the last time I was there, just not talk to anyone and get my work done.
Ugh, I really don't want to go but I guess I have to. And I need to avoid all the haters, assholes (that would be Kaidy and Claudia-to name a few) and "gangstas". I really hope I can get some clothes and extensions (yeah~) out of this deal with my mom :P

I just have to get it and get the hell out.

No place to go

2011-12-12T14:45:00.002-05:00

I absolutely refuse to go back to place! Shoot, I would much rather attend school in Georgia with my grandmother than go back to that hell hole and I mean it. Plus a new change of scenery might be good for me. I mean, I can't stand these hoes and bastards here in New York and since I can't go back to the previous schools I attended last year and a few years before that. Going to Georgia seems to be the only place I can go... but I wonder how that will work out, because who's going to do my hair? (My older sis, usually does it for me :P) and how will my classes transfer over? Those are the only things I worry about. My family will be OK, I just know it because even though I'm not the problem child (that's my younger sis), I'm the one that everyone seems to hate, because I'm apparently mean and frank towards them or something like that... But anyway, yeah, that's the only solution I can see from this distance...that and maybe how hot is going to be down there? And are there still a lot of racist people down there like it was back in the 60's- you know it wasn't that long ago.
But a fresh new start and maybe even some distance between me and that boy, Ryan, would be go.
Ok! I'm definitely serious about this, I want to go!

In other news, I had a spa day today and I feel better, so I know I'm thinking clearly.

I might have said that...

2011-12-11T21:49:00.001-05:00

Just a few things on my mind:

I might have said it. But not in those exact words and it's even worst that you're reporting that just to get out of the dog house. Dang, I hate you!
I really like him. I didn't think I did, until I realize I might not get a chance to see him again or even tell him I like him again. But I should really get over it, because even he said he couldn't have me.
How dare he ask about my brother?! Just because he's treated like family doesn't mean he is family!
When will I go to school? I didn't think I would miss it very much. I really hate sitting in class and having people gawk at me with their mouths open like I'm a prize or a SUPER BEAUTIFUL girl. I'm not, I'm just not.
My skin still hasn't cleaned up yet? What the heck is going on?!
I have nothing better to do, maybe I'll make skins or something useless like everyone else on the web. Or maybe watch dramas and sitcoms. Oh! I'm watching the Teukso couple of WGM (I use to hate the show, smh) and I love them. Kang Sora reminds me of me~
I HAVE TO do my college s#%* tomorrow. It's been on my mind. I just want to get this over with so all I have to do just pay for the application and that's all.

Mantra

2011-12-09T16:51:00.000-05:00

Changed my template because the other one was getting old.

My new life's motto or mantra:

"If you want to be happy, be"

Nice. I don't know what it means at the moment. But I'll find out eventually.

In other notes, we decorated the Christmas Tree...what a waste.

I don't feel it

2011-12-09T15:57:00.000-05:00

I'm still not over that event.

And how many...? How many times can you see horrible stuff and just be OK with it.

Or just how many can you be hit for protecting the ones you love?

And why must you be questioned for it?

Is this really what a person who go through?

And don't you dare ask how or why she became the way she is now.

Angels...is this how they gain/earn their wings?

Quiz-a-thon

2011-12-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

Since I'm still not in school. Quizzes and doing my sister's college work is what's keeping...somewhat sane.

Here's some of my quiz results:
Boys see me as: lovable,cute,awesome, shy, and smart! But I'm supposed to be arrogant, punk, bubbly, smart and flawless. More adjectives that describe me include: kind, amazing, somewhat bossy, somewhat uptight, cool, sweet, very friendly, cheerful, always happy, pretty, very likable, and satisfied.
My Celebrity twin appears to be Emma Watson.
I deserve to be in Hufflepuff with my boyfriend Cedric Diggory, and Fred Weasley apparently adores me.
My future boyfriend's name will be Hayden (H&H, what are the odds), He will have brown hair and brown eyes, he will the most popular boy in school, like me ever since I came to the school, he will like me for me and play a whole bunch of sports and basically, bitches will hate ♥
My kpop boyfriends are: nickhun (or something like that), Mir from MBLAQ (Who is that?) and Minho (from Shinee), Taeyeon and Seohyun would be my friends in SNSD, Bom in 2ne1 and Luna in Fx. Kyuhyun would be boyfriend in Suju and my ideal song is You and I by Park Bom :P
Donghae will visit my house and look at my invisible aquarium. If I was placed in a group, I would be in KARA, 2ne1 and Girls Generation.
If I was a SNSD song I would be ITNW and in school I'm unique. My ideal anime is Vampire Knight.

Yup, I took over 40 quizzes today :( Bored as hell!

School

2011-12-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

I haven't been in school for 3 days now since they kicked us out for what they think is false recidensey. I do have at least 2 people worried about me, but that's all I know so far. I wonder if that boy- Ryan is even worried about me (I laugh just thinking about) and that will be a 'HELL NO' for 2000 Alex. Last Friday we got into a fight or an argument (yeah, why am I even talking to the boy still) because some girl didn't know what way she was going and whatever way I went she went and that whole stupid same path crap. So after I manage to untangle myself after I called the a "stupid bitch" under my breath. Well, she was, that can't be helped. First of all she looked like a ditzy buffoon and second of all I think she was the one who threw me that dirty look when she saw me and Ryan hanging outside one day, so either way I think it was deserved, plus I was having a bad day, not like you don't have them too. And then he goes: "Why did you call her that?" I was about to curse him out, and tell that I could and probably give him the satisfaction of seeing a colored person flipping out like they do on the TV but instead I just said, "Oh you're right!" and turned around like I was going to apologize to the girl and headed for my next class.
I really feel like I don't need to explain shit to that boy, one, we're not even going out anymore, two, you're not the boss of me, three, are you thinking with your head or dick? and four, if you don't like what the hell I say then leave me alone. Shit, you we're the one who sought me out when I left you're ass alone because I'm tired of playing cat and mouse with this guy. I liked him so I go after him, he becomes distant, we break up, I become distant, we tries to pursue me/go after me. Bullshit is all that is. He especially didn't like it when I told him that Thomas was trying to pursue me which is true. But it's weird, because I don't like either of them.
I like Aaron but unfortunately he doesn't even give me the time of day...anymore. Ever since he saw Thomas and me together. Damn, I hate myself for bring him!
Not like much would have changed. Anyway, yup, that's my love square of a life for you :(

But continuing on in school, I'm a little worried because this quarter I wanted to improve all of my grades, math and gym preferably but I guess not now, being that I'm no longer enrolled in that school thanks to my stupid younger sister and the my dumbass sister's next door neighborhood, seriously that guy needs to get a fucking life or at least die-something! But if I do back I'm going to have a massive pile of test and homework to complete and so far it's only been a week.

-------Recent Update-----------
My brother needs to get some plate in his eye, like he's Seal that guy who sings "Fly like an eagle". I feel bad for him...if only I was stronger and I knocked that guy out or if only I didn't care some much about my mom struggling that I just wailed on that guy then he would have that eye plate, I would much rather trade places with him :(

Death

2011-12-07T13:49:00.000-05:00

The first thing I think of when I hear or think his name is death. On Sunday or maybe it was Monday... the days are beginning to run together. There was an incident that happened because of my sister and him. He basically freaked out because my sister was doing something she wasn't supposed to and I guess to reprimand her he began yelling, cursing and screaming at her-thus causing my brother and I to be alarmed-naturally. Anyway, so my younger brother calls my younger sister, let's call her A for now. A up starts, so him, let's referred to him as B and my younger bro as C. I'm H. So, A goes into C's room. B kicks the door in or whatever the hell it is he does to tease, taunt and bother people when the situation is over. He starts to challenge C and so I go in C's room because no one is going to put their hands on my brothers and sister's but me or my mother and or each other but him...he has no right. Anyway, so he like basically punches my bro, C in the eye and now he has to get surgery (well, I think he already got surgery, he's just waiting to go home). But after that, he begins to mess with A again this time in my room after threatening to hit us with C's workout equipment, he doesn't have his own because he's a pussy and a loser but let me digress. So, him and I begin to tussle and I guess I ripped his shirt and gave him a black eye. I came out with a busted lip and a swollen chin. But other than that, that's all. He basically threw me over A's bed (since we share a room) and then A with her dumb throws herself over me and I'm just like, get off of me, none of this would even be happening if it wasn't for you.
Basically that how my Monday went and now my mom is mad at me because apparently I was disrespectful to her, well whatever bitch, C is in pain and needs to be taken to the hospital, not you trying to play follow the leader or something. Moni knows her way around ***. Shit.
Just a few more months and I'm out of this shit hole, no. This shit life, and I promise that I would marry an abuser. I swear that over myself. If my future husband or boyfriend even lays one unwanted finger on me, I'm fucking him up and then calling the cops on him and we're done for good. No, aww, but I love him or we have kids together, FUCK THAT!!! Shit, and if the kids don't want him around what's the use of keeping him around? But I can tell you next time, all that civil shit I was doing for my mom is going out the window, next time he lays a finger or hand on my brothers, because that bitch A is done, I'm fucking his old ugly ass up!

Now, I have to do Moni's stupid paper, I really don't want to, I wonder if I take a nap and it's not done when she gets here like yesterday, what will happen? *sigh* I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!

Episode 0: Hardships in Harlem

2011-11-24T17:38:00.000-05:00

No, I do not live in Harlem, but I do live in New York where Harlem resides in.
A lot of stuff has been on my mind and I hate to sound like my ex (speaking of my ex) but I need to vent :P
First, my mom is riding me but she believes my brothers, sisters and I ran my out the house which is not even the case, seeing as how he was bitching at my sister about a juice and when my sister went to apologize he wasn't trying to cooperate, and to be truthfully honest I think he's only leaving because we're finally sticking up for ourselves. You would think my mother would be happy about that I guess not and that's why we're paying hell now. And yeah, I mean I'll miss having a lot of things and getting nice things but if we don't have those things anymore and he's gone, I think I'll be OK with that and my mother should be too and stop acting in this manner. Like really, did you think that whole ordeal would last forever? No way. You should have just put money in the bank or just saved it under the bed like you use to do, but now what? You got too comfortable obviously.
I'll try to bring this up to my friends but it's really bothering me, I don't want to be like those girls on TV that burst out crying and sobbing over a simple problem so I won't. I mean it's like I'm keeping it inside, because really I'm writing it all down now...here.
On another note, I'm suppose to meet Thomas (my long lost friend from 4th grade) at the cafe'- this is something that I know will not last forever....
Let's see how my night goes...

Back to School

2011-09-08T17:13:00.002-04:00

So, I started school two days-I guess three now ago and I absolutely hate it, not only were my classes screwed up I didn't have classes with anyone I knew, give or take a few people and I don't talk to them-mostly because they're either stuck up, dislike me, are intimidated by me or just don't care to know me. And while I should be a relief on some level, I'm more along the lines of hurt...there are many reasons to be hurt but the one that's really cutting me deep is the way I look. I look different from the people around me, you could say I'm colorful while they are colorless. And for that, they shun me.

A midsummer's dream

2011-08-31T11:18:00.001-04:00

I just had the weirdest dream... I had a dream that I was at Columbia...I think- even though it looked a lot like Meyers but with more stairs and floors. And so I was to retrieve my little sister and brother so we could wait for my mother together when I see him on the second or third floor. Who him? Ryan- I guess my ex-boyfriend, now. I see him in a group of friends, he spots me to, as I enter the hallway and he says hi and waves at me (I'm not sure if it was the 'hi' wave or the 'come over here' wave). I just ignore him (backing out of the hallways) and I go up the next flight of stairs, because I really don't know what to say, and plus I promised myself that I would just ignore him this year.
So, I go up to the next flight of stairs which seems to take forever and finally fish my sister out of a group girls. Then it was time to get my brother. We go up the next flight of stairs which once again seems to take forever but my sister never misses a beat which is strange because usually she would be hacking up her guts in the corner from just one long flight of stairs.
Anyway, so we go up the stairs, we search for my brother which is harder than expected because he's tall so it would have been an easy job to spot him but instead he was in a class (that looked very babyish) with a few students and a teacher. He waves and me as I pop my head in to ask if he's done and he says "yes" and we head for the first floor, where we are to wait for our mother. Another few episodes of weirdness go by and my old friend, Tahmean <--I think that's how you spell it and he hands me and everyone in the hallway a condom and I'm just thinking like, 'what the heck am I going to do with this'? So I spot Ryan again, this time holding a basket full of colorful things, so I say:
Me: Here you go, you could use this or something?
(I check his basket out and then I see more condoms)
Me: Oh
Ryan: Yeah, I don't need them, I have them all here...
(I can't quite remember what the rest was but I do remember the highlight of the dream)
Ryan: I was just thinking maybe we should acquaintances or friends <--The words I wanted to say to him first.
Me: (hurt) Why?
Ryan: (I missed this part)
Me: (still hurt) Well, I want to be acquaintances too, it not like when we together you did anything.
Ryan: (hurt now) What?
I then the next thing I know he hands moves just inches of my face (meaning: he was trying to slap me) but I block his shot, seeing it coming all along.
Then I he tries to punch, but I block that shot too. My brother coming from wherever he was sees this and charges at Ryan and I just stand there shocked.
I just stand there.

My greatest fear

2011-08-23T22:56:00.000-04:00

Some people fear spiders, clowns or even miniature poodles but what I'm most of afraid of is slutty, no good girls. School starts in two weeks and I'm worried. The girls at my school are very slutty and always have boys on their brain they don't even concentrate on school because boys are and their "so-called" social lives are getting in the way. Some people can manage but those people are real bitches in person, like Anna per say.
But anyway, back to the main subject at hand, so there are sluts at my school, and if they aren't sluts, they dress really perforatedly and it's just like why are you doing that? Trying to get a guy's attention? Are you that desperate? Ando so, my sister and brother are suppose to be attending the school and while I'm worried about my sister, I'm more worried about my brother. He's the jock-type even if he doesn't play a sport, so so,e girls might think that he cute or attractive and might try to go after him but even worst the dumb sluts might use me to get to my brother...it has happened before...
...and that's my greatest fear.

Classic girl coming through

2011-08-17T23:27:00.005-04:00

It's happening again, my once every two month style change. For the last two months I was striving to be the "fashionable girl", carefully picking out my outfits and coordinating them to match and all that jazz. But now, I'm into vintage-y/classical things. Like old movies, an example would be: Breakfast at Tiffanys (I like that name <3) or listening to old songs like: Smooth Operator by Sade...well, maybe that's not too old but it was before my time! So, I guess my fashion sense for school is going to have a girly-yet-classical style to it...kind of like a music box...well, that what it sounds like right? I'm talking nonsense, I just thought I should say it, also I picked up knitting again, I'm going to make a few scarfs and then maybe start a beanie (I have to buy circle knitting needles :P). Well, tomorrow is the old movies marathon I'm planning, just Audrey Hepburn~ And to give you a taste of some of some of my classical fever, here's a song my (I'm not really sure if he's my ex) boyfriend danced to at prom.

Reasons why I hate/Miss Veronica

2011-08-10T22:56:00.000-04:00

This is an A side-B side post. That means I'm going to basically write two entries in one. Genius right? ^_^ I got this idea from Japanese singles, they always have an A side and B side and sometimes even C/D sides.
Also, I wanted to something different so here goes...

A side: Reasons I hate my sister...the list goes on and on. I mean it. Ever since she was a little girl (roughly:4-5 or whenever she began talking) I never really liked her. While I'm defensive of her, still am to this day. I particularly do not like my sister. Now, I know that's terrible but every little thing I do, she does, and why copying is best form of respect or flattery-however that saying goes, she always takes an extra mile.
For example, I have something she wants, she either: a) steals it or b) she asks and when I say, "no" she takes it anyway. And while you're probably thinking that's what little sisters do, I unfortunately can't that excuse anymore. I politely ask her to stop, she never does and when I bring this to my mother's attention she always backs my sister. I think she really does this because my she feels bad for her, first because she gay (I personally believe she's confused) and she's a smart-ass (not intellect) and second, she's her daughter and she thinks we (the other children) are always picking on her. Well, sorry to tell you mom, but that is not that case, your daughter is a freaking menace to society and if she keeps up with her ways she's going to a dirty (she wreaks, literally) lesbo in jail for stealing and talking back to a cop. Ugh, she makes me so sick. And what sparked all this hatred, everything-I could go back to the beginning but let's start with today. Today, while I was returning my dish back to the kitchen her and my mother were sitting on the living floor (my mom likes to keep her couch clean :S) and so, I walk past and accidentally spill her cola. And she begins her stupid sarcastic remarks or 'screeches' as I like to call them, and I'm just thinking in my head, "Who are you talking to like that? Are you forgetting that I'm older than you, and not the other way around, I'm not Najee so get your head checked." and then my mom like always, takes her side and I'm just...so over it, I can't wait until I leave this house-which is in another year, I just need to take my SAT, ride out this year and pick a college...*sigh*.

B side: Yesterday I met Miss Veronica (at least I don't think she's married). If you don't remember her, she's the one that helped me when I got caught in the rain-I was basically drenched and stinky and she helped me out by giving me paper towels to clean off on and her phone to call someone to pick me up. I saw her (at first I didn't she was running along side trying to get my attention XD) and then we began to chat about what was currently going on with us. Me nothing and her the same, she wondered about me and as for me...ugh, not really, I really don't want to relive that day. And then she gave me a compliment on my voice-she said it's really sweet. How nice right? :)

C.A.W. (Crappy Ass Week)

2011-08-07T19:27:00.008-04:00

I hope that catches on. I mean if T.G.I.F. and L.O.L. are popular acronyms why can't C.A.W. be a popular or hip acronym also. Haha, I can't believe I said, 'hip' I'm 17 going on 18 and I said 'hip' like I'm an oldie. Oh geez. So, why am I having a C.A.W. because...
1. The whole using me as an excuse to hit on another person's girlfriend (as if I even know the fellow, I just attended school with him nothing more, not like we were acquaintances/friends/good friends or anything.)
2. Over worked. BV is literally kicking my butt right night, mainly because it has so many members on it.
3. I tried applying for that styling job/site co-owner that and the owner is basically ignoring my e-mail. The only way I got in contact with her through the chat box. How classy.
4. School is coming up and I just keep thinking of what I'm going to do and say to "that guy". Yeah, Ryan's that guy now...
5. My brother and sister are suppose to be attending the same school as I and I'm worried to death of what they're going to do or behave.
~~6. Today is Sunday that means I have to go to work :(~~ I'm going over to my grandmother's house.
7. Sarah and I are thinking of creating an art TCG we have the template, all we need is the website and MYTCG program :P

...And that's why I'm having a C.A.W.

"You're a whore"

2011-08-02T14:50:00.002-04:00

I feel so betrayed...but I mean it's not like I liked him or anything..., especially after finding who was finally, he is a boy that use to pick on me back in grade school (I think elementary...maybe even middle school but not high school) and I still remember the comment he made towards me that made me so mad,
"She has big tits."
Those were his words verbatim. It was said at my job that he liked me and wanted to go out with me, I was thinking about and never really gave anyone my general impression of what I though of him, but today, I know.
Today I saw him together with one of my co-workers, I didn't think much of it because I saw one of my other co-workers together with another boy (they look so odd together, she's taller and bigger than him), so I'm like, they're just walking together (never mind my friend, Roslyn pointing out to me that he usually takes the same way home as she does) and so I see them and I don't think about it, until I see her sister stop in the middle of the street and text, then I see her check her phone (because I'm assuming she got the text message), I think she checked behind her because after that she-who was once walking really close to the boy, backed away from him and began to walk with space in between them. So, yeah I think there might be something there whether it's her liking him but he likes me or he likes her and she likes him or they both like each other-whatever the case might be I just hate the way, she lied or led me to believe that he actually liked me. She always tell me-her and her sister that he liked me and I would just smile, it's been a long time since someone has "liked" me, and then this happens.
~~Albany~~Up State New York girls, they're all sluts, and they don't want to anything with the lives but have sex and party-it freaking disgusting.
But who I really feel bad for is the guy she's currently dating or "talking to", he really likes her and she keeps brushing him away, maybe because she likes another guy, and all I want to do is tell him, but that would be adding to the drama and I wasn't raised to be a drama queen or a nasty trashy slut, so I'm not going to say anything but when I go to work tomorrow she will be getting my ass to kiss.
And about the title, today her sister called her whore and I laughed about it for her,it was nervous laughter but now I see it. Even the boy she's so-called seeing implied that she was whore.
Ode-de-lemony.

Stress is my middle name

2011-08-02T06:40:00.011-04:00

It seems like I can never escape it, it being stress, it's like it's always tied to my leg or my arm or better yet-my head. Some people say all stress is good stress but I think all stress is bad stress. Actually, is that phrase even legal because that could seriously hurt someone in the future...what's even worst is that I just wrote it, now someone out there is going to see this post and think, "Ok!" when really it's not.
It just seems like whenever I want something done from my sister like, I would like her to do my hair for the first day of school and I've been trying some styles but the one thing I've decide on is short to shoulder-length hair. I think I might just do shoulder-length, I still want something on shoulders. Anyway, I've been asking her she wants me to once again do another paper for her, never mind me telling her that i have panic attacks when I do her stuff because it's so confusing, but she thinks that just because I get a few good grades for her that I'm entitled to all of her work, like whose graduating next year from college anyway, you or me?
Not to mention, I still have to deal with the stress that is my TCG, like I said before-I love it, but the members and the tasks I go like maintain the games and all it all just becomes so overwhelming and exhausting...to the point where I don't even want to run it anymore, now I know it's not just me, it's my new friend,too that's helping me but sometimes it just gets like, I'm doing all the work, which I really shouldn't say that because she does just as much work as me if not more on the days I don't update.

Well, enough of that, I want to remain happy about the decision I chose, and that's SADLY doing my sister's two papers so I can get a really good hairstyle for school. So, far I'm thinking of doing either of these styles:

*Mhm, thinking about applying for a website dedicated to the person above, I know she's like 2 years younger than me but she's definitely my fashion guru, I like most of the outfits and hairstyles she does! Ugh, maybe I just add stress to myself sometimes...

Give and take...and take...

2011-07-31T16:21:00.001-04:00

I'm so fed up right now! On Friday, I get my paycheck and the first thing I want to do is buy the long-awaited, "Seventeen: Ultimate Guide to Style." for myself as a present of putting up with that crappy-ass job I work at, I told myself, "And this is it, the rest I must save up for school." Well, it wasn't it. I not only have no money now but my I'm depressed because I lied to myself, why is it that I can can hold a promise to other people but myself and even holding promises to other people is hard for me. Anyway, we my mom were in the mall- I know the worst place to promise yourself at, and I lost most of my money, and truth being told I can't even remember what the heck I bought!

All I remember is:
- Book ($20)
- $4 Shirt + Bandeau ($4)
- Nachos ($6)
- Bought mom a shirt and pant set (IDK, how much that was)
- Bought 1 shirt, 2 tanks ($18)
- Bought Lasagna for family ($12)
- Bought Lunch ($5)
- Alltogether: 65 (where did the other $19 go?

Even still, whether it's 19, 20 or 40 dollars missing or spent, I just didn't want to spend all of my money, I have to buy school clothes for Pete's sake! And lord knows my mother isn't going to buy my clothes without griping that I had the money and blah, blah, blah!

Well, enough of that, I'm SUPER tired, yesterday I was too busy testing out the Monster energy drink. I just wanted to know why people liked it so much and I didn't want a red bull so I grabbed it, I'm not sure if worked keeping me up, I had fallen asleep earlier and I just woke up...but I didn't feel tired around 4 a.m. so I guess it worked~ but now I have no money to get another and I have just a tiny bit left in the can and I have to do what I've been putting off, my sister's college assignment, I swear on my life, this is the last time I do another one of her assignments, because I really can't afford (sleep-wise and stress-wise) to do anymore of these things!
I think I might take just a quick little nap before I start her paper, It's due by 12 p.m. tonight, it's 4:23 p.m. right now-not the best idea but hey, I need a nap.

I'll post later, when True Blood comes on or after I'm done with my sister's paper. True Blood! Another distraction, I'm never going to get this paper done~!

"Seventy...what?!"

2011-07-29T22:11:00.000-04:00

So, I just got my final grades back from my school and I just can't believe it. I got mostly seventies which in my eyes is terrible and it means just passing or barely passing, since at my school-actually all of the schools in the area and most of the schools that I've been passing grade is a 65. Now, I'm not one of those people who like: "Yay! I got over a 65, so I'm in the clear." No, it means that I did terrible, but I have to admit, I have had a lot of distractions this year versus the many years I have been school, like from boys (Ryan, Mark and his cohorts) to rude-bitchiness (Anna and her blond Norwegian friend) to Chemistry failures (I could never get a question right in that class) to home problems. All in all, I don't think I had those problems at my other schools and if I did it wasn't as acute as it was this year. Well, this school year is my last year and I need to make it the best, meaning the best marks! At first, I wanted to relax-be fashionable, meet new people but I guess I can't, not with my grades looking like this and I have a feeling I going to have to fight about my English grade with the guidance counselors, I really hope they don't put me in College Prep 1 but 2 (where I really don't belong but it's somewhere...). I just know this year is going to be more terrible than last year...
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Also, I'm really stressed out, I have to do my sister's college assignment and finish the summer event for Bon Voyage. I love my sister and all and I SUPER appreciate what she does and is DOING for me but I can't take anymore of her college assignments no matter how well of a grade I get for her, it's like each time I do an assignment for her I have these mini panic attacks which I hate.
And as for Bon Voyage, I love that TCG with my whole heart but I seriously need a break from it, I think we should go on hiatus but then I think about the competition, Adventure who can always jump start (there on hiatus at the moment) and begin taking all of our members and deconstruct our TCG by taking our ideas and adding them to their TCG-which not only is copying but I'm pretty sure plagiarizing also. I don't know, I think I just have to do this one step at a time...One Step At a Time....

Sleepless Nights

2011-07-29T03:22:00.000-04:00

I can't go to sleep. Now, maybe it's because I went to sleep earlier and I'm not tired or maybe it's just because I have a lot of stuff on my mind. I think both a pretty logical. But I think the latter might be more truth than the other. I have school, class placement, boys and my former self on my brain. School, because I seriously HATE school-this is my last year and while I want to make it memorable I also don't want to make a fool out of myself and more importantly have people dislike me- I mean, I don't know why, but I've always had this fear or concern about whether people like me or not and while I know not everyone will like me and it can be about the most stupidest of reasons like not saying, "Hello" in the mornings, I just can't help it. Also, class placement, I've always wanted to be in advanced classes and this year is the year I'm suppose to be in them but I don't know, schools tend to change their mind when it comes to me. Also, boys... like I mentioned before, there's some guy who likes me on my job and I want to like him also but I'm still sort-of hung up on Ryan-that asshole and my former self...I'm always categorized as being mean or cold or nice or just a happy girl but this year I just want to be cold or mopey. I don't want to happy I want to be the latter-everyone originally thinks or me cold and mean but I won't have many friends...and lonely is something I don't want to embark on again.

Crush and Blush

2011-07-28T01:07:00.000-04:00

I just found out that there is a guy who likes me on my job. I guess he was taken by appearance for I usually just talk to the girls on my job, I mean boys are so intimidating at times but he's shy and attractive and well I just feel weird, I hate it when I find out guys like me, because then I begin to act very weird and start priming my appearance super much and it's ugh, I hate it so much-maybe some people don't notice it very often or even care if they begin to act differently when they know someone likes them, idk. I mean, I finally got my wish, to start talking to other guys, and guys preferably my age, but I don't know, I still feel weird. The only guy I really talked to was Ryan, I guess, he kind of got me off of talking to guys- him and Raymond, the only one who wasn't so bad talking to him was David, and he was mostly singing, so... Oh well, I hear he's not going to be there tomorrow, hopefully a normal day...

A Rainy Day

2011-07-27T01:24:00.000-04:00

Today I got caught in a rain storm, it was awful and shocking! Usually, rain in the summer is hot or warm, right? Today it was just SUPER cold and I looked a drenched puppy- it was a really bad scene. Luckily, some nice lady helped me, not much but still it was the thought that count, she lent me her phone to call my mom, then reprimanded that I didn't know my father's number (even though, he didn't help me at all as usual) <- and a total stranger too, I didn't even know her before! , and gave me paper towel to dry myself off. I guess that was nice of her, but I should have just followed my friends and stayed inside but it wouldn't have helped much because they actually had rides home, I didn't, I have to walk everywhere! I just don't feel comfortable driving is all- just in case you were wondering @_@.
Anyway, tomorrow, it shouldn't rain, but now I'm just so paranoid, I don't know what to do, lol.
Switched layouts, I thought this was cute, especially since summer is ending soon, which I'm happy about because I love the fall and you can wear boots all the time, the same thing with winter too, but you have to beware of ice and slipping/cutting yourself- but it's still pretty all the same!

Fashion Obession of the Week (FOTW):

I like these bags and I'm thinking about getting one... maybe, but I hope something comes out that's a bit better, something tribal, even though I know leather bags are in. That's why I'm saying, maybe...Maybe.
Links to remember: Bag 1, Bag 2

Bombs over Boobs

2011-07-27T00:36:00.001-04:00

This is a weird topic, since I'm a girl and all but I'm getting really fed up with some people, actually all people of the male species.
Occasionally, I go on Yahoo!Answers to help out people fashion-wise or with relationship troubles, but it really grinds my gears when I hear people talking about a women's chest or their own chest size. Like for fashion, some girls will stupid publish her bra size in the topic, I don't know if they do this for the male viewers benefit-in which the comments are always inappropriate (like, really what the hell are they doing looking at a fashion questions if you're just going to post a stupid answer, helping no one) or comparing you're self to the person (ex: oh I'm 34 DD [insert smiley face]). I just can't see why the person who's asking the question can't just post their size like: S, M, L, XL. Not your cup size-like god how stupid are you! And I know it sounds like I'm jealous but I'm fairly big for my size (I'm average), not like those girls who claim, they're super small with huge boobs, I'm average with a somewhat large amount-but it runs in my family...

Anyway, and then the relationship questions, don't even get me started on those, it mostly just involves the guys talking about whether they should date this girl because her cup size is so small, or girls asking if their cup size is good enough for a guy/ what is acceptable as a boob size and thus just though questions, it's rare to find a question actually asking for relationship help-Shoot! I'd rather even answer the super simplest of questions like:"does he like me" over "should I dumb her she's an A cup" or "do girls like their boobs touch.". Don't believe me, just go on Yahoo! Answers now, on the first page you'll find at least 8 of those questions asked. I bet, the people who ask these questions are 12 or 14 who have no business asking those perverted questions and I don't want to here the same old excuse of: "Boys will be boys" or "Boys are just perverted, just ignore it." No! There's a time and place to discuss that hopefully that's among your friends or even your family (a close relative really), not on the internet where you already know the answer, you just want to hear someone else tell you or you just want to hear the answer you want. I really hate how this generation is SO overly sexual and perverted. America. Humph.

Drive me Crazy

2011-07-20T00:27:00.000-04:00

Today I live! Today, which may not be a big achievement to some or even many but I drove! I finally got to drive my mother's new red G6. It's a very nice car that drives smoothly, I like it better than my grandmother's green Neon-no offense, grammy!

I start a new job tomorrow, I don't like change, I actually hate it and when it becomes too much, too much change- I usually become cold or even anti-social. It's almost like a defense mechanism...I think. I just hope, I don't see too many people of the ex-friend variety. Also, the job starts really early, like around 10 a.m. That's early! I don't even wake up around that hour.

Not much to talk about, just decided to re-open my blog, and make it somewhat more personal than my last blog, Pure was.

Fashion Obession of the Week (FOTW):

I've been obsessing over these boots, they're gorgeous! I've always been a boot-person really so I can't say, "This boot is ugly" or "I hate this boot"- I always can see the beauty in boots XD
Oh but back to the boots, I really don't know what I would wear with these, I guess anything with black, gray, white or blue(navy or electric blue) would work or anything that matches blue really well like yellow, green, orange, really anything. ^_^
These can be bought over at Forever 21, I'm purchasing them online.